CrossFit Games Open: 13.4

Another week in the books. A much better week for me. For the first time since I started, I worked out four weekdays (five if you include the pay-for-pain session with Trish). It’s a goal I set for myself back in February so now we’re on to the next one.

Back in December, when Christian and Tara first demonstrated the Clean, we were using Dumb-bells. My brain couldn’t comprehend jumping up but also getting low. The disconnect continued into work-outs and WODs until Monday night. The WOD had a total of 55 reps of Power Cleans and since Monday’s work-outs have usually been predictors of the Open work-out, I knew I had to get them down. With a simple instruction from Christian, “Let me see the bar touch your thigh,” my head wrapped itself around the Clean. As I got close to my jumping point, I was taking the bar off my leg. It wasn’t intentionally bad form, but it was quite wrong. I’d been mighty concerned about different mechanics: shrugging the bar, fast elbows, trying to jump, etc. but I wasn’t able to put it all together until then. My form isn’t great, but it’s officially (read: finally) on its way.

Back Squats reared themselves on Tuesday and I kept the weight light. I need to for the sake of getting deep and building up my weak posterior chain. Every Squat felt better than the one before it and I got confirmation from Doug that I was definitely progressing. But always remember, CrossFitters, friends don’t let friends Squat shallow. Always get deep! And pop right back up. No need to hang out down there, as I was prone to do at the start. Squatting was grand, but the WOD wasn’t kind: a pyramid of Inch-Worm Push-Ups (for those of us not doing Wall Walks), Hand-Release Push-Ups, Goblet Squats (for those of us not Overhead Squatting), Ring Rows (for those of us not doing Pull-Ups) and an 800m run. As Christian and Tara were explaining it, Doug laughed to himself and wondered what we’d done to earn such a thing (he, of course, programmed it). It kicked my ass, but the problem came during the run. My right calf cramped up close to a quarter of the way through. I didn’t finish the pyramid, but hot damn did I work for 25 minutes. Which brings us right over to Wednesday and the lovely, wonderful Trish.

Trish is CrossFit South Shore’s resident physical therapist. She appears nice and friendly. You can even have a conversation with her while she works on you. My shoulders are in a much better state than they were just a few months ago thanks to her work and advice. So after Romanian Deadlifts Monday and my calf cramp Tuesday, I figured I could take a break from shoulders and have her work on my legs. As she worked my hamstrings, I began regretting this session. My calf was next and I should’ve known something was up when I heard murmurs around me. An audience had gathered—Mike L., Danny and Doug. They were giddy. See, when Trish works your calf, she’s actually trying to grind it into a fine powder. Without hyperbole or exaggeration, after my gallbladder seizing in 2005, this was the most pain I’ve experienced. Relief wouldn’t come until she stopped and by that point, I’d taken to laughing because I couldn’t even cry. But as always with her work, it was worth it. My legs are looser and in a lot less pain. Just need to up their mobility. And never let Trish touch them again.

Friday was a blur of Front Squats and a mean, cardio-intensive WOD. I concentrated on my balance with the Front Squats—I lean forward too much on these and Goblet Squats. The work-out went by like a blur and soon we were into cardio hell. Once upon a time, I did cardio every day, for many minutes. That time was before September of 2012 and not since. Now I’m easily winded. And man, when you’re out there running 400m and it’s just you and that annoying voice, things get tough. Cardio WODs are much more individual WODs: everyone’s fighting their own battle, moreso than usual, anyways and it’s easier than normal to let exhaustion in. I did a lot to combat that in the row and run, but it was Doug with the assist during the last of the Burpees. I wanted a break between each one. My lungs were begging for it and I obliged. Until Doug. Then I did the rest I needed to without breaking because I could. I just needed to be reminded. All I had to do was get down and get up.

So, 13.4. Clean and Jerk @ 135 lbs and Toes to Bar. I haven’t done Toes to Bar since On-Ramp, which is where my shoulders first flared up. Thankfully, I have the flexibility to do them but not the practice to do them efficiently. Either way, they weren’t my worry. My 1RM for the Clean and Jerk was 135 lbs. I managed that during the second Challenge work-out in February and wanted to see how much I’d improved on the C&J. I came in early to stretch my shoulders and chest and build up to 135 lbs. After Christian critiqued my form at 115 lbs, I gave 135 lbs a go and put it up without an issue. Confidence was high. I judged for Mike L. (check out his own writings in the links to the left), who went first. He hasn’t been able to go at 100% due to a wrist injury but the man is dedicated to CrossFit. Once the timer counted down, Mike got after it. His work helped me build even more confidence.

To get it out of my system early, I earned a no rep on my first attempt. Control lacked overhead and it didn’t feel like a good lift. The next one did. Earlier I’d told Christian I could get one and wanted two. His response was simple but poignant: “If you can get two, you can get three.” So I did. Toes to Bar went by quickly and I was back at the Cleans. The work was tougher this time but again, doable. I made the mistake of not having a hook-grip locked in on one Clean (sorry Tara! Never again) and now I know why we use the hook-grip. Such a simple technique makes a monstrous difference. Once I finished these six, I went back to swinging. My lack of efficiency in getting my toes up was evident in this set. I struggled. I tore open my hand (my first tear! I was so proud). But I got the six with less than 20 seconds left. I went after the barbell, gathered myself and put one last Clean & Jerk in the books.

It was a small moment, but it mattered. I had Christian and Steve and Mike all yelling for me to get back on the bar, get another rep. When I got it with three seconds left, they popped. I popped. All over 19 reps. But it wasn’t about the number. Yes, the numbers mean a lot in the Open. They have to. But every day, every Open, the number’s not important. It’s the person and their individual effort. I watched Kerry practice and practice and practice to get 95 lbs over her head before the WOD. When she did, the entire gym was watching and cheered. Once the clock was on, she got her one immediately. She kept at it for all seven minutes. But her story and mine repeated all over the gym. Like with Grace. And Mike. Louis and any number of the Brians (there are a lot of you guys). People fighting to do better, to get one more or one at all. Every week, no less. I’m as awestruck watching people work now as I was for 13.1. The determination and heart is unparalleled, cheesy as that may sound. Tara was absolutely right when she said it takes guts to face the bar. It’s what we do, and that’s commendable.

CrossFit Games Open: 13.2

Week 2 and even more amazing work was done. A lot of people were worried about the weight (myself included)—for some, it was beyond their 1RM. For others, it was pretty close or just below. Throwing that much weight overhead intimidated. It did not deter.

A (quick) word on the Golden controversy. I ended my first blog about CrossFit South Shore with a simple line: You don’t quit in CrossFit. You don’t cheat in CrossFit, either. That goes for the athlete, who has no excuse not to know the movement standards. I’ve been doing this (seriously) for about a month. I knew what my body needed to do, what Shoulder to Overhead meant. The judge, too, has to be even more aware and alert. The judge needs to watch a lot of action accurately: did the hips open? Are the arms locked out? It’s a big job. It makes or breaks the Open’s legitimacy. Before 13.1, Doug gave us all a speech about integrity. Our gym is built on it. Frankly, it’s one of the things that worried me about CrossFit. The weightlifting forums I frequented before joining CFSS put CrossFit down because some boxes are run by asshats who are concerned with the money and not the client. Where form and technique don’t matter, where corners can be cut without repercussion. Some gyms run that way, but if Kerry and I find a gym without CFSS’s level of integrity in Austin, I’m not giving them my time and definitely not my money.

We have a gym that promotes honesty. If we don’t feel comfortable judging, if we’re too close to the person or are easily distracted, we’re encouraged to get someone else to judge. I have no problem calling out a no rep because I want to be called out when I don’t complete a rep. It makes me more aware of my body and my movements. I don’t want to do any more Burpees or Box Jumps than I have to, so hearing “No rep!” makes me better. Excuses don’t. We’re getting a lot of those from the guilty parties. What bugs me is the judge’s/coach’s reaction. His response, which was taken off Facebook, amounted to “Screw you guys.” I understand a coach/owner/trainer fighting for their athletes but that’s bringing your ego into it. That’s getting defensive because you have no excuse for poor judging. In stark behavioral contrast, Tara contacted HQ because some of us weren’t going to be able to get the weight over our heads. Her thinking was simple: the difference between skipping 13.2 and getting a 0 (and thus a DQ) and working for 10 minutes to get the weight up and getting a 0 is big enough for an apatosaurus herd to stampede through (I didn’t use the more common brontosaurus because it didn’t exist. Seriously, look it up. No such animal). That’s not fair. To the athlete or the affiliate. It encourages folks to input 1 rep to keep going in the Open. To quote Tara directly about that, “If one must be dishonest and post 1 rep then what else are they dishonest about?” Integrity rules the day, readers.

I felt good going into 13.2 on Thursday. My stretching and flexibility had been maintained since 13.1 and I knew 115 lbs was a weight I could do: my Push Press 1RM was 135 lbs. And I could Push Jerk this or Split Jerk it. Whatever I needed to get it over my head. My shoulder felt good, too. While the full, locked-out Snatch position stings my shoulder without weight, going straight overhead had me feeling confident. Until I got into the gym and put weight up there. You know how this goes. Sharp, burning pain while fully extended, dull pain when not. My confidence plummeted. I talked to Christian, who had me practice with light weight, and improved my form. Turns out, I go a wee bit too far back on lock-out, which is where the pain jumps in. Funny how proper form (whether KB swings or Presses or whatever) will keep pain away. Regardless of the help, my confidence was rocked, and I opted to go in the second heat.

I judged for Peter who, like me, had a 1RM right around 135 lbs. He worked through the Presses while I watched, trying to form a last minute strategy. As time got close to expiring, the man came right off the Box Jump and got one last Press overhead. He didn’t let the weight intimidate him and was great to watch. It helped bring my confidence up a bit. My turn came around and all I was thinking of was my shoulder. I took extra time on the Presses, resting at the top, when maybe I should’ve rested in my rack to save my shoulder (I’m not yet to the point where I can bring it down, dip and drive all in one motion, at least not at 115 lbs). Like most, I started out jumping onto the Box and I felt it fast. My form started to falter during round 2 but thankfully Doug came by to set me straight. I was starting too far forward, less in my rack and more on my upper chest, making the Press harder and more painful. Set my shoulders back, and the move felt better. During this go, I finished three rounds, thanks in large to Peter, Mike, Christian and Doug giving me pointers when necessary but more importantly, pushing. Gentlemen, thank you. Despite that support, I wasn’t satisfied. I let the bar beat me before I even picked it up. In turn, I got pissed at myself. As Steve told me, getting pissed at the bar can be a great motivator but getting pissed at yourself is only going to be damaging.

For the second week running, I hatched a scheme.

Saturday morning, I saw Trish. I wanted my shoulder worked on but that’s not where she wound up. Once I was on my belly, she was at my thoracic spine instantly. That’s my problem. If I understand correctly, I lack mobility in my thoracic area, which in turn causes my shoulders to go forward and also why bringing them back is as strenuous as it is. She gave me some stretches (several that Doug had given me on Thursday) and I was off. I began mentally preparing myself for Sunday. Now I knew the weight wasn’t a problem. Heavy, sure, but it would go up. I knew the right form and how it felt. Just had to implement it all.

Kerry and I arrived early enough to warm-up for a nice long while. She was trying to build up to 75 lbs and was worried about her right shoulder. It’s given her trouble since we came back from Austin in mid-January but starting early last week, really began hurting. She did the work-out Thursday, avoiding the Presses so she could see Trish on Saturday. Kerry’s neck is her source of shoulder problems, which came as no surprise to us. She has a solid brick between her shoulder blades thanks to stress and computer-screen-posture. Even with the work Trish did, Kerry was still worried. She spoke to Christian, who I can only assume told her to give it a go and do what you can. She did and some. Kerry may not have done the work she wanted to, but she got the weight over her head. A lot. Wasn’t an easy weight, either. As she told me during a pause in her work, it was 10 lbs more than her 1RM (Maggie and I both let her know her 1RM just went up). She had a crowd cheering her on and gotdamn was I proud of her.

I improved by 38 reps. When I walked in Sunday, I wanted more than my three rounds. Five was my goal. I warmed up and got good and loose. After Doug told us about the improvements athletes saw with stepping up instead of jumping up for the Box Jumps, I changed my plans. Jim judged for me (who I accidentally pulled away from cheering on Keri) and that man kept me on track. Wouldn’t let me stop moving, kept me going at the bar and box. It felt great (not at the time). When I started slacking on Deadlift form, he was right there telling me how to correct it. He helped me push the last few Presses through the roof. Thanks for all of that, Jim. You were louder than the voice in my head. Five rounds turned out to be unattainable, but I’ll take my 4+8. My cardio still sucks, which is frustrating and held me back, but I know I can work on it.

Like 13.1, I saw a lot of fighting. Fighting to get the bar up overhead or fighting to get on and off the box. For me and Kerry, it was mental.  Our shoulders can take it, we just need to break through the doubts and shaky confidence. Ignore the voice telling us it’s too much because it wasn’t. We did it and we could again (with enough rest). We saw Tara fight for her athletes and remind us why CrossFit South Shore is our gym. It’s more than that, of course. I’ve been telling Kerry (and I cannot remember if I heard this somewhere else, so if you said it, let me know!) but we didn’t join a gym, we joined a community.

I’ll see you all at 13.3.

CrossFit Games Open: 13.1

Editor’s Note: Yup, just like the last one, this blog is being reposted to my new dedicated-to-CrossFit blog.

Holy shit.

After watching my work-out partners/brothers-and-sisters-in-WOD at CrossFit South Shore complete the CrossFit Games Open 13.1 work-out, those two words kept repeating themselves in my head. Sometimes out loud. I witnessed excellence Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. There’s no other word to use besides excellence (except any of its synonyms: superiority, greatness, preeminence) to describe the work every member of CFSS put in. Every one of us should be proud of what we did. You challenged yourselves, especially those that came back for a second go. Hold your head high knowing you pushed and pushed and pushed even after your body prostrated itself before the WOD and pleaded for mercy.

I wanted more from me. The Burpees sucked, as Burpees do, but it was the Snatches that did me in. The initial weight for men, 75 lbs, would get over my head. Locking out my arms? There was the problem. At full extension, my left shoulder burned. A sharp burn, if that makes any sense, deep in my shoulder. I got two finished before Christian said to me, “It’s not worth it. It’s not worth an injury.” Turns out, he was watching, as a good coach will, and saw my face during the Snatches. I didn’t know it, but I was grimacing (we’ll come back to the grimace) a lot. He told my partner, Craig, to mark me down for 42 reps, had me keep with the reps in the work-out, but switch to Russian Kettlebell swings instead of Snatches. I was pissed. My hands were shaking when I went to get the KB. Not at Christian. He made the right call. I was pissed at myself because of the decisions I’d made that led to my shoulder being in the shape it’s in. I felt like a young child, who, when so furious, doesn’t know what to do but cry (I didn’t, for the record—had to save face and all). Once my 17 minutes of work were over, I readied myself to judge, but it wasn’t until Craig’s 17 minutes started that I got over my anger. Craig did great work, and while he didn’t get 135 lbs over his head, he didn’t stop trying. I found myself excited for him and the people around me. The vibe got me over my shoulder and my anger. It helped me hatch a scheme: stretch my shoulders and chest Friday and Saturday, get to yoga Sunday, and give it another go at 11:00. Christian told me to see how my shoulder felt, and if it was good, do it.

That night, Denise gave me three yoga poses/stretches that were good for opening up my shoulders. I started using them, and the ones I’ve had from Trish, on Friday. You guys know the yoga pose where you make one arm 90° and you twist your other arm around it, trying to grab your 90° wrist with the other hand? The arm part of the Eagle Pose (Kerry told me when she looked this over). Thursday night, I could only get my opposite hand on my shoulder. No twisting and wrist-grabbing for me. But I worked at it for the next 2ish days. More often than not, my shoulder would pop or creak or shift or do something else that sounded/felt awful. But Sunday morning, left shoulder groaning away, I twisted my arm around the other and grabbed my wrist. The flexibility was there (and will stay there, because I’m not giving it up now), I just needed to test my shoulder. I did an air Snatch in front of Kerry, and once I’d finished, she echoed what Christian had said: that was not a good face (been hearing that all my life). I was peeved, mostly because it hadn’t felt THAT bad, but also because I didn’t realize I’d made a face at all. So off we went, too late for yoga (I opted for more sleep), but with plenty of time to warm-up and for Kerry to see if she could get 75 lbs over her head. I loosened up with a PVC pipe and grabbed myself a barbell. This was it. If 45 lbs could go up without a problem, I’d make 75 lbs do the same. I got it overhead, and as I locked out my arms, I felt that old, far too familiar burning. I put the bar down. Did it once more. Same thing. With the same anger I felt Thursday, I put the bar back. My body made the decision for me, and I loathed it for that. But that’s when some wisdom crept into my head: Leave your ego at the door. I wanted to prove to myself I could get 75 lbs over my head 30 times. I wanted to try 135 lbs. I wanted my 100 reps. I wanted to compete, but I also want to keep competing, this week and next. A serious shoulder injury is worse than being frustrated at my score and my body. This time, I didn’t need Christian or Tara or Kerry to step in. I logged my 42 reps.

Now that the less than good is out of the way, let’s talk about the incredible work on display:

Saturday morning, Jackie absolutely killed, getting her 131st rep right as time expired. It was unreal watching that. Sunday, Steve filled the unforgiving minute and demolished his old score by an astounding 20 reps (and would’ve had more, if he could’ve hit that target!). On Thursday, Dennis went right after the Burpees and came back for seconds on Sunday, fighting through the exhaustion. Carolann and Donna fought like Vikings and did not stop going to their bars until time expired. Ryan found a unique way up from the bottom of a Squat Snatch to get rep after rep after rep at 135 lbs. Kerry overcame the stress and anxiety that followed from work and our (peculiar) living situation to get her 100 reps (and a Snatch PR of 65.5 lbs Sunday). Mike worked with a wrist that wasn’t 100%, but didn’t stop. Jenn and Melissa both put up incredible numbers (and an incredible show of mental and physical strength) on Thursday, with Melissa putting up one more rep on Sunday because why the hell not? Katie beat her frustration with the Snatches and got back around to the Burpees. Wendy ripped 100 lbs off the floor twice in a moment (or two) that popped the entire gym (her, too). Danny’s technique was fluid and had to be seen. Denise kept at the Snatches as time counted down in another gym-splosion Thursday night. Billy’s form was impeccable. Once time was up, Mat hit the floor after blowing us away with his Snatches, legs shaking. Christian went after it twice in a badass display of fitness. Tara fought through her Burpees with the tenacity we know to expect from our coach (sorry Doug, I didn’t see yours, but I’m sure it was worthy of many adjectives). To see some of Sunday’s work, check out Kerry’s blog or head to the facebook group for the link to the entire 159 photo album. Bodies might’ve slowed during the 17 minutes, but no one stopped working. People fought the little voice in their heads, finding one last rep again and again with their work-out partners/brothers-and-sisters-in-WOD supporting them through each and every one. I avoided using the word “awesome” until now because it’s overused (I’m guilty). When I tell you the work put in on Thursday, Saturday and Sunday was awesome, I mean it in its literal definition: extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration.

I felt more like myself in the time I spent cheering and chatting than I have since I moved up here. I got the chance to talk to so many people, like Pete and Steve and Mayra and Brian and Barbara and Melissa. Sticking around was the best decision I made last week. My last blog covered this, but it’ll be repeated so long as it’s appropriate: Thanks for a community that cares the way this one does. The support we showed each other was nothing short of fantastic. New York can be (read: is) a very self-centered, selfish place. People tend to stick to themselves or the ones they grew up with. It’s always felt like a very insular place to me. Until CFSS. You guys welcome person after person. You bring in new folks and make them feel like they’ve been part of this for years. The support shown to everyone was the sort of thing that inspires. When I go on and recommend CFSS to friends, this is why. And it’s not just during the Open. When someone gets a PR during strength training, or struggles with their last rep, there’s always someone there pushing, supporting, encouraging.

Welcome to the addiction, indeed.

Working On It: An Open Letter to CrossFit South Shore

Editor’s Note: Yup, this is the same blog I posted a little bit ago. Since I’ve decided to make a blog completely dedicated CrossFit, makes sense to start with the start of that idea.

Dear CrossFit South Shore,

When I woke up Monday morning, there was a giant brownie waiting for me to finish my Challenge work-out: 3″ x 3″ x 1.5″. Chocolate chips in it, too. Sunday night, I’d watched three friends have one of equal size with a few scoops of Edy’s Slow-Churned Vanilla Bean Ice Cream. Sweets are my go to. Cake, brownies, cupcakes, cookies, ice cream, Entenmann’s anything. Always have been. I wanted the brownie.

When I stop and think about it, food, weight and fitness have always been some sort of struggle for me. I ate so terribly throughout middle school that my digestive system backed up into my stomach. I couldn’t eat without throwing up. I was an involuntary bulimic. I didn’t change much for high school and my gallbladder tried to violently exit my body while I took a test my senior year. During all that, I’d played basketball (poorly), football (less poorly), ran track. There was the time I tried wrestling for a semester, where I was told to weigh 154 lbs, which meant eating only salad and drinking water. When I got myself T-Boned and left with a concussion, I took a break (read: quit) from wrestling and manorexia. Naturally, I gained close to 30 lbs. I didn’t fare any better with diet and exercise throughout college at North Carolina State University in Raleigh, NC and then the University of North Carolina at Wilmington. It ended with me sitting close to or at 220 lbs during the summer of 2010. I was bloated, unhealthy and depressed. I let myself eat whatever was in front of me, whether the excellent burritos of Wilmington, NC’s Flaming Amy’s Burrito Barn, to a Baconator Double at Wendy’s or a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese from McDonald’s. Once I moved back to Long Island after a 16-year absence, it was pizza, heroes, garlic knots, Chinese, lots of alcohol and snacks, snacks, snacks. It was rough and I knew I had to work on it.

The lowest I weighed during my fight against crappy food was 165 lbs. I cut out junk, fried and fast foods. I ate smaller portions and added more fruit and veggies into my diet. I spent hours a day on an elliptical and did push-ups and biceps curls. I got in shape and met Kerry, who will become very important (to the story and me (awww)). We ate well. Or mostly, anyways. We didn’t really think or know about eating Paleo. Didn’t much care about gluten one way or the other. Ate pasta multiple times a week. Might have had cinnamon-raisin french toast on the weekends. We avoided the junk foods that had caused me to blow-up like a balloon. But it was Kerry’s insatiable appetite for knowledge that put us on the right track. Her body gave her a lot of trouble, and she wanted to know what was causing it. She worked on it.

Until this past September, I was hanging out around 175 lbs. I’d work out most days: machines, isolation lifts and cardio on an elliptical. Then I decided I wanted to be bigger. I wanted to be badder. Research was thorough. I needed to go on a bulking diet and learn how to do compound lifts. I did half. From my gym, I’d gotten a few free consultations with a personal trainer. The one I had was a bodybuilding coach. I laid out my goals and diet, mentioned I’d read great things about compound lifts. He set me up on a regimen of strictly isolation lifts. And me, despite knowing better, went right along with it. Which is where Kerry really comes into play. She hated every work-out she’d tried. Zumba, hot yoga, weightlifting, none of it excited her. Her diet was clean; she’d been eating Paleo since we came back from the gluten mecca of Rome in August. But her body wasn’t doing what she wanted. She kept looking for something new, which led her to Blackbird’s Grille. Kerry knows Vinnie, saw the progress he’d made, and learned about you, CrossFit South Shore. We did a free try-out with Pete. I liked it. It pushed me, which my then-current work-out never did. Kerry was less sure, but signed up for the November On Ramp. She fell in love like George Michael did with Maebe (watch Arrested Development, folks), but I was still sticking with my bodybuilders work-out (my newbie gains had me convinced this was the way to go). After I re-hurt my shoulder on the shoulder press machine, and noticed my expanding waist, I decided to give On Ramp a go, and signed up after missing day one of December’s. I got my ass kicked, which isn’t to say my ass is done being kicked. It still is, but I’m working on it.

I came into the gym with a lot of work-out hang-ups and didn’t know it. I grew up with coaches telling me to work through the pain, to man-up and not be a pussy. I grew up being doubted when I said something was wrong or something hurt. If something hurt, I’d keep my mouth shut, and do it poorly. All of a sudden, I have Tara yelling to Kerry, “Your boyfriend’s a fucking idiot!” It’s that bluntness I appreciate from Tara. I was being a fucking idiot (still happens). Both my rotator cuffs, biceps tendons and my chest (hips too) lack substantial flexibility. My rotator cuffs are prone to injury at this point (due to said fucking idiocy), and instead of stopping when sharp pains came in, I kept going, unable to complete strength training and actually stopping mid-WOD (only once, and that once is an embarassment). I kept trying exercises that had shown themselves to cause me substantial pain. Because I was being a fucking idiot. I’m not proud of that, but I am proud of the progress, mental and physical, I’ve made since realizing I was being a fucking idiot: Two Fridays ago, my arms would not get into position on the bar for Back Squats, even at the widest stance. Tara gave me some stretches, and combined with what I’d already gotten from Trish, this past Friday, I did Back Squats. And my arms weren’t even at the widest grip. I’d worked at it.

The Challenge wrecked me. Not the Paleo part of it, as Kerry and I had been eating mostly clean (emphasis on mostly) since September, but the actual work-out. Every move we did involved shoulders and mine are still not where I want them. The initial work-out was my second day after On Ramp, and I wasn’t proud of the work I did. My KB form was awful, I could barely do any Thrusters and I don’t even want to think about the Cleans (which I still don’t have). It wasn’t pretty. And this time? It was less ugly. I improved, but not enough for my taste. I was disappointed when Christian came around and asked how I did. I mumbled something and he looked at my sheet. What he told me took some time to burrow through my thick skull: “You went up. That’s all we care about.” Yeah, I did go up. Maybe not what I wanted to, but what I could do. Christian’s simple encouragement married itself to something Tara said to me back in January: “Leave your ego at the door.” That took a while to hit me, and when it did, it felt like a breakthrough. Stop caring about anyone else’s weight. Doesn’t matter what their reps were during the WOD. My focus needed to be redirected. I focused on me and what I was doing, on where my shoulders were during certain lifts, on whether my back was tight or not. Day by day, I’m becoming more conscious of where and how my body is during a lift. I’m not where I want to be with form or weight (especially those damn Cleans), but I’m working at it.

Thank you, CrossFit South Shore, for letting me work through these mental hang-ups at my own pace. Thanks for coaches who seriously care, who aren’t just collecting a check and moving along, who want you to do better, do it right and better yourself. For gym-mates who want me to succeed, who will give me tips on jump roping (that worked) and wall balls and rowing and Cleans. Thanks for making me dread stairs and wear my bruises with pride. Thanks for pulling me away from my Xbox and Halo (unless any of you play…). Thanks for exciting work-outs and great strength training. Thanks for a physical therapist that forces me to cry and a member whose food I eat twice a day (can we see that African Almond Chicken Stew more often?). Thanks for giving me a reason to blog again after my 8-month hiatus. Thanks for coaches who call me out when I do it wrong and tell me how to do it right. Thanks for making me reconsider joining the CrossFit Open (partial credit to Steve and Carolann for their awesome posts in the facebook group). For pushing me to keep eating Paleo (minor exceptions for alcohol). Thanks for a community that cares. Where everyday, you’re encouraged and pushed until you can’t do another rep or round. But most of all, thanks for an environment like this:

When I came home from the Challenge work-out, I looked at the brownie. For the first time in a while, it wasn’t with desire. There was no insatiable need to eat it, to put whatever was in it in me. Even though there were moments during the Challenge where I didn’t eat strictly Paleo, where I had rum or a beer, maybe had a dessert or three, if I ate that brownie, right then, I’d be disrespecting you, CrossFit South Shore. I’d be quitting. And you don’t quit in CrossFit.

I got rid of the brownie.